


The Naked Truth

by SuburbanSun



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Bachelorette Party, F/M, Non-SHIELD AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-26
Updated: 2015-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-01 07:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4011058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuburbanSun/pseuds/SuburbanSun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Jemma expected was a bachelorette party stripper. The man at the door? Not exactly what Jemma expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Naked Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a Tumblr prompt for respekt-the-bovril: “you’re the hot stripper at my friend’s bachelorette party.”

A sharp knock came at the door, and the roomful of women erupted with gleeful cackles and hoots.

“Get the door!” shouted Susan-- rather unnecessarily, if you asked Jemma, as she was already up and on her way to do just that. The bride, Caroline, leaned back in her chair and took a big gulp of her pink cocktail. The plastic cup she held was emblazoned with the words “Bride-to-Be” in glittery, puff-painted cursive.

“Oh shit, did everybody put down their guess for the dick-size pool?” Pooja waved a notebook around, and Sara grabbed for it, hastily scrawling her name in the “8 inches” column and slipping a twenty between the notebook’s pages.

Her hand on the doorknob, Jemma shot Caroline one last wicked grin before throwing the door open to reveal--

A man with wild, thick, white hair, fidgeting in a slightly-too-big tweed jacket.

Jemma’s smile dropped, her brow furrowing. “Who are you?”

“Um.”

The stranger-- who she’d quickly figured out was _not_ , in fact, an elderly man, but a young man wearing a peculiar wig with pressed-on white eyebrows-- looked flummoxed. She shifted in place, waiting.

“Albert?” He peeked over her shoulder into the apartment, eyes widening when he saw the gaggle of women half in-the-bag. “This is not a 10-year-old’s birthday party.”

“No. It isn’t. What are you doing here?”

He turned his attention back to Jemma, and she couldn’t help noting how very blue his eyes were. Which wouldn’t have even mattered if he had been the stripper, which he quite obviously was not.  

“Um, the agency sent me? But I was supposed to be going to Robbie Nathan’s birthday party. You know, bunch of little kids running about, high on too much cake frosting, and then their parents plop them down in the living room to watch a clown perform?”

“Okay…”

“Only parents these days are all really worried about their kids getting into a good college, so they try and make everything an ‘educational experience,’” he continued, using finger quotes. “Even 10th birthday parties.”

Jemma crossed her arms, leaning her shoulder against the doorframe. “I’m all for education, but that’s sort of sad.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Or, it would be, if I were a birthday clown.”

“But you’re not. You’re... “

“An Albert Einstein impersonator. Today. Tomorrow it might be Darwin. That beard really itches.” He brought a hand up to idly rub at his chin, which had a nice dusting of stubble on it. “Or Stephen Hawking, but I hate doing that one. How do you do the voice without coming off as offensive?”

Jemma hummed in semi-understanding, narrowing her eyes. “But I’m still not comprehending how you ended up _here_ , when we hired a--” She lowered her voice, gaze darting briefly into the hallway. The last thing she needed was another lecherous glare from Antonio in 6B. “ _Stripper_.”

“Oh, that. Well, our agency sort of handles… all _sorts_ of talent. I’m just in the science division, because I’m working on a PhD and needed a job with flexible hours. But there are other divisions as well… adult entertainment… celebrity impersonations… princesses… though nobody likes to hire those anymore since they kept showing up at parties hungover.”

“Jemma, what’s the hold up?” Pooja called out. “Hogging all the D for yourself?”

Jemma poked her head back into the apartment, shutting the door slightly so that the other women couldn’t see the young-old Albert Einstein in the hall. “It’s just going to be a moment.” She looked to Susan, the maid of honor. “Maybe Caroline could use a fresh drink?” Susan rolled her eyes, but got up to start mixing a new round of margaritas all the same.

Looking back at the man, who was rocking back and forth on his heels and biting his lip, Jemma tilted her head. “What are you getting your PhD in?” His eyes brightened beneath the bushy white brows.

“Mechanical engineering.”

“ _Really_? I always found engineering fascinating, though it’s not my field at all. What’s the topic of your dissertation?”

He opened his mouth to answer, but another shout from inside cut him off.

“Come on, Jemma! I’m about to spend the rest of my life with five and half inches! I need one last reminder of what above-average looks like!”

The man’s eyes widened, and Jemma couldn’t _help_ but wonder… no. She was _not_ contemplating Albert Einstein's theoretical penis size. She shook her head quickly to clear it and sighed. “Look. We’ve already paid the agency. I don’t suppose you’d be willing to…”

It was a very long shot, she knew. He swallowed-- she watched his Adam’s apple bob, and wondered if she’d ever be able to think about the theory of relativity the same way again.

“Um. I don’t think that’s-- I mean, I just haven’t--”

“It’s okay. I understand-- I shouldn’t have even asked.”

“But if you’d like… I could come in for a minute, and… I don’t know, I know a lot of bad science puns. Maybe I could kind of… entertain for a bit while you call the agency and sort things out?”

Jemma smiled, and he smiled back, and wow, he was cute under all that hair, wasn’t he? “I’ll make Susan call. She’s the one who _insisted_ we go with the Hot Cop option even though Caroline preferred the Wild Wild West theme.” She opened the door wider, gesturing for him to follow her in. “Maybe after a few puns, I could hear about your dissertation?” He grinned in response, and she committed to getting Einstein’s number before he left for the birthday party.

The birthday party. _Oh no._

“Wait a second,” she said, whirling around and pointing at him. “If you’re here. Does that mean--”

“--the hot cop is at Robbie’s 10th birthday party.” They looked at each other for a long moment, panicked, then Jemma whipped around to face Susan.

“You’ve got the number for the stripper agency, right?” Susan nodded. “Call them _now_.” For once, Susan did as she was told, and Jemma let out a breath of relief. Hopefully the children weren’t scandalized already. She turned back to the man.

“So anyway, your diss--”

“Jemma?” She looked to see three pairs of eyes blinking up at her in confusion. Sara was the one who had spoken. “Is Albert Einstein about to get naked?”

A bit of color tinged his face and the tops of his ears-- quite appealingly, in Jemma’s opinion. She shrugged at the women apologetically. “Sorry, but I don’t think so. There’s been a misunderstanding. But sit tight.” She took him by his tweed-covered elbow and led him toward the kitchen. “Albert and I are just going to go have a chat, and a naked man will be here in a jiffy.”

The man chuckled, allowing her to lead the way, and she had to laugh at the turn of events, too. And at the surrealness of what she was about to do.

Jemma Simmons was about to ask Albert Einstein out on a date. Her friends _had_ always joked that she would end up married to science, after all. Maybe this was just the first step.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Want to chat on Tumblr? I'm unbreakablejemmasimmons over there!


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